Causation

 

My favourite author released their third book last week. I was ready to purchase it, coffee in hand scrolling through the preview digital pages. Ironically it would be my first try at an e-book, considering the closest book store I could find would have been the countless shelves in my house. I have enough paperbacks to make a decent home library. 

The first few pages gave me this excitement, knowing I’d feel how I had the last two times I read their books the first time. I’d been waiting for so long, and with one more swipe I became sad. Sad and absolutely grateful for the short disclaimer after the first few pages. 

“Contains: thing one, thing two, thing three, and thing four.” 

24 hours after another BPD breakdown, I was so grateful to finally see a disclaimer. A guardian, telling me “hey, not yet.” I’m sad, because I knew right then I had to sacrifice, once again, something I will enjoy, due to the ongoing battle with my CPTSD. 

Somewhere along the journey, I recently discovered the cause of my CPTSD. It was horrendous, and made me re-evaluate my life and ever memory I have. I felt so lost, so angry, and inebriated with loneliness. The challenge this time, is knowing how proud I am of how far I have come, and not giving this the power to derail me. A blackhole opened up in my head, and I felt every pinch of pain from every experience I went through; all at once. 

I put on this facade. I try my best to ignite strength, and unity, and clarity when talking about, and dealing with mental illness. But inside I feel absolutely alone in this. No person will be able to take on what I felt back then, what I feel now, and how I know that I can never be as open as I wan’t to be about this. It’s incredibly hard, I want to share everything, and I want to be able to speak up about what I went through, what I am still going through, and I want to be able to continue to tell my side of the story when I get through this. But I find myself in a situation where I do not have the capacity to share on this one. 

I found the answer to the very question that I have asked frequently throughout my life. It’s the hardest damn answer I’ve had to find. Now I have it, and it’s horrifying. I want to be able to get angry, and scream, and tell the whole damn world and everyone in it. But I can’t, and that is the whole reason why I’m like this. 

I have been suffocated, and neglected, and dismissed; and for long as I can remember it has always been my fault. I cried my chest to shreds when someone finally said to me, it wasn’t. It wasn’t my fault, and it still isn’t. I am still very much in it, but I know now why. Why I developed a personality disorder, why I have been reckless and abundant my whole life, and why I can’t deal with life a lot of the time. 

Now what I want to know; how to make it stop without making it worse. The road ahead for me, is hopefully the last hurdle in this journey I will have to go through. I know I can get through this, but the anxiety of knowing the shit fight ahead of me is as horrific as finally understanding. 

I have sacrificed so much to get to this point, and I need this reminder everyday that If I can get through the last 12 months, I most certainly can get through this. I hope to be able to come back here, and finally tell my story. Because what people share with me, makes me feel a little less lonely. I hope I can help like that some day too. 

Always, 

e.m.